The other day I was looking for a mosque where I could pray the Friday Prayer. Since I was in an unfamiliar part of London I asked Sheikh Google.
Sheikh Google directed me to a housing estate but I had to take directions from a very kind old lady to make it to my destination.
My destination was a small, nondescript building. As I approached it, something inside me told me that it would not have facilities for women. And hey presto, I was right.
So as I entered the mosque, my poor niece had to stand outside in the heat because the genius who designed this mosque forgot to take into account half of the human race.
Anyway, I entered the mosque and came upon the area where worshippers remove their shoes.
Being hit in the face with the stench was worse than being hit by the Metropolitan Police officers who punched me dozens of times then testified that my injuries were self-inflicted.
The smell from that area was unbearable. It was as if a dead dog had died, then been resurrected, then died again, under the carpet a week ago but no-one except me had noticed.
And that was when I saw it for the first time. A poster, on which was written in big words:
“I love Muhammad (pbuh). I hate Terrorism.” [sic]
Gee thanks, I thought. Thanks for reminding me that most Muslims in the world hate terrorism.
I never found any support for killing innocent women and children when I read the Quran dozens of times, when I read almost every single hadith (saying of the Prophet (pbuh)) about military Jihad, and when I read accounts of Muslim commanders and battles throughout the last 14 centuries.
But thanks for reminding me that Muslims hate terrorism, I had forgotten that.
As for the capital “T” in “Terrorism”, well I do hate terrorism but even more than that I hate those who terrorise the English language through incorrect usage of capital letters.
I stared at the poster while trying to maintain my composure in spite of the pungent odour coming from the shoe area.
Then I wondered whether the “Terrorism” referred to in the poster was the terror brought upon my olfactory nerves from the dead dog stench?
Or perhaps it was referring to the psychological terror brought upon millions of Muslim women who are barred from entering mosques in contravention of the teachings of the Prophet (pbuh)?
I love Muhammad (pbuh) but I hate going to a mosque which does not smell nice.
I walked to the bathroom/toilet/wudu ablution area and outside it was a sign: “I love Muhammad (pbuh). I hate Terrorism.” [sic] OK, now that I understand, I thought to myself.
I have certainly been the victim of terrorism inside mosque ablution areas, having seen such sights and heard such sounds there that they still haunt me in my nightmares. 😦
On this occasion, I was fortunate enough to survive unscathed.
I went upstairs and on the stairs was another sign: “I love Muhammad (pbuh). I hate Terrorism.” [sic]
OK, I know that I lost my hair in prison but I didn’t lose my memory, well at least not my short-term memory. But thanks for reminding me three times in the space of about six steps.
Eventually I entered a large room upstairs, the main prayer area. The Imam was speaking. Next to his pulpit was a sign, the only sign on the walls in the whole prayer area: “I love Muhammad (pbuh). I hate Terrorism.” [sic]
I thought, is this mosque up to something? When you feel the need to repeat something so many times, it usually means you are trying to hide something.
I sat down in the air-conditioned room, thinking about my poor niece being terrorised in the heat outside.
Next to me were two young South Asian boys with their dad. They were probably about 5 and 7 years old. We exchanged smiles.
The Imam finished his sermon and as we stood up to make the lines for prayer , a young Turkish man came forward in the space between me and one of the two boys. “Is there space for me?” he politely asked. There was of course plenty of room.
“NO! There’s no room for you,” the father of the boys rudely replied to the Turkish man. The poor Turkish man put his dejected head down and tried to squeeze in somewhere else.
I love Muhammad (pbuh) and I hate terrorism but more than that I hate bullies. I hate cowards who prey on and terrorise vulnerable or defenceless people.
I called out to the Turkish man and asked him to come forward next to me. Meanwhile, the father had asked one of his sons to do the Musalli Horse Stance to fill the gap between his son and me. (“Musalli” is the Arabic word for “one who is praying”).
For those unenlightened souls among you, the horse stance is an important posture in kung fu and other far eastern martial arts. It takes its name from the position assumed when riding a horse: the thighs are parallel to the floor and the feet are placed very wide apart, on average two shoulder widths apart.
For a horse stance to be correct, one must be able to balance a pole on the thighs without allowing it to fall off, as shown in the image above.
There are variations for the horse stance in different kung fu styles, e.g. the monkey horse stance, in which you make the same stance but on your tiptoes. If you can sit still in a horse stance for two minutes, you have strong legs.
Now the Musalli Horse Stance is a posture some people adopt when standing in congregational prayer where one foot is in East Ham and the other foot is in Hounslow West. [People not familiar with London geography, please substitute the location names for the two furthest points in your city, or country, e.g. Rhode Island to San Diego.]
I named it the Musalli Horse Stance because some bright spark came up with the innovation that the Prophet (pbuh) and his Companions used to adopt the horse stance during congregational prayer in order to make sure that there were no gaps between them and the other person.
I have spent nearly 30 years trying to find references to the horse stance in Islamic texts but I haven’t yet found any so that is why I named it the Musalli Horse Stance and not the Salah Horse Stance.
The Prophet (pbuh) said that when Muslims stand for prayer, we must not leave any gaps between us otherwise Satan runs in those gaps during the prayer. But this must be put in context as the following anecdote illustrates.
A Saudi friend told me that one young man in his country adopted the Musalli Horse Stance in prayer. When an elderly man asked him why he was standing in prayer like that, the young man replied, “Because Shaytan (Satan) runs through the gaps.”
The elderly man replied to him, “My son, your feet are so wide apart that Shaytan will run under your legs if you are not careful.”
Good point. I have prayed next to people whose foot is pushing so hard on my foot that instead of thinking about my Lord the only thing I am thinking about during my prayer is which Accident and Emergency Department will have the shortest waiting times if this geezer fractures my foot.
Don’t get me wrong, the Musalli Horse Stance does have its benefits and I myself have used it with less-than-holy intentions. [Evil laugh]
For example, you are trying to preserve a place for a friend who has gone to the bathroom and will be back in a few minutes. With the Musalli Horse Stance you get two prayer places for the price of one, you can squeeze up a bit when your friend returns.
But the Musalli Horse Stance should not be used to cause people discomfort or worse, bully them like the father of the boys was doing to the Turkish man.
I love Muhammad (pbuh) but I hate those who use the Musalli Horse Stance to terrorise their fellow worshippers.
I grabbed the Turkish man by the hand and pulled him right next to me, ignoring the bully.
The prayer ended and as I left the mosque I was handed this leaflet from the Metropolitan Police. It read: “Don’t rely on others. If you suspect it, report it.”
I seriously considered phoning the police and telling them how I was terrorised at that mosque. But then I decided against it because if a police officer turned up at that mosque and died after smelling the dead dog stench, his blood would be on my hands.
So I went home and on to the next adventure.
I sincerely apologise if I offended anyone in this article as it was not my intention to do so. I just think that sometimes we Muslims are too serious and we need to chill out a bit and laugh at ourselves.
The ability to laugh at oneself is a sign of extreme self-confidence and high self-esteem in one’s beliefs. I love being Muslim, I love other Muslims and I love the mosque. We need to be able to face our challenges with humour instead of preaching gloom and despair all the time.
Terrorism is a serious matter that affects the lives of real people; it is certainly nothing to joke about. But I do not believe that it is the biggest threat facing the world. People are statistically more likely to die from cancer, poor eating habits or a car accident, than they are from terrorism.
The term Musalli Horse Stance is a copyright invented by me. You are free to use it anywhere as long as you attribute the invention to me. But if anyone takes offence about that term, you don’t know me and I don’t know you. Deal?
Have you ever been the victim of the Musalli Horse Stance? If so, share your stories below.
Read the story of who I am and why I blog here.
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السلام عليكم و رحمة الله و بركاته
Two typos above bro
You wrote “I hate Muhammad…” instead of ‘I love…’
And near the end “atrribute” was spelt incorrectly.
جزاك الله خيرا
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Corrected, thank you for pointing them out.
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We Muslims tend to forget that akhlaak(good manners) is crucial in depicting who we are. Most definitely agree that there is no space for bullies in Islam or in the world for that matter…… and a good laugh at ourselves occasionally is always a good idea.
I think the key to many a problem is humility. Humility in everything we do and say.
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Very well said, thank you. The Prophet (ss) was also light-hearted and humorous at times. And yes, humility is essential.
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Assalam alaykoum wa barakallahu feek for your wonderful article,
You’ve made me smile, laugh, reflect on repeatedly. Thanks for your insightful humour and humanity, I’m completely with you on this!
Al hamdulillah ❤
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Thank you for reading it and for your feedback. Life is tough enough as it is so I think we need to spread more light-heartedness in the world.
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This made me laugh so much, thank you.
Hygiene/cleanliness is an important part of our faith, We love Prophet Muhammad SAW but our nostrils condemn such extreme acts of nastiness. (Growing up I dreaded ever needing the bathroom during evening madrassa classes).
I’ve seen women too do the Salafi horse foot… position.. thing. Not the most pleasant of experiences I have to say.
Incredibly important point made, I’ve been in your poor niece’s position so many times. I always ask, what is worse – a masjid catering for a (travelling) female with a small area to pray, or to be sharing the sin of her Salah being missed. One time whilst in a different city it was time for Maghrib. There was no women’s prayer area at the masjid we managed to locate. I thought of praying in the car park but it was wet and windy. A family member suggested I knock on someone’s door in the houses nearby and ask to pray. I couldn’t believe my ears at that suggestion. The willingness to put my safety at risk rather than go ask the Imam if I could use a class room perhaps or even a store room. When we have airports, service stations, hospitals and even libraries offering a prayer room for women on the go, its high time masajid too opened their doors. It’s what they’re there for after all.
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Thank you for reading the article and for your comment. We all need to do something about it and let mosque managements know that Britain is neither Mirpur nor Sylhet. If there is enough noise things will change. Malcolm X once said, “It’s the hinge that squeaks that gets the grease.”
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Assalam mu alikum, this article was helrious 😂😂😂. Enjoyed it through and through. All i can say is, may there be many more to come.
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Thank you for reading it and for your feedback. I am trying to balance serious posts with funny ones so that it is not all doom and gloom. May Allah grant me the ability to bring good into the world.
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Ever thought of placing it under a Creative Commons license?
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You mean like trademark it at the Intellectual Property Office?
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Salam Brother Babar
Still on the floor laughing and will never see the word ‘terrorism’ with the same mindset…and of course those who think that sarcasm is bad, need to understand that sometimes it is the only way to convey that ‘message,’ as morons do not always understand direct speech..Brilliant!
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Thank you for reading the article and for your comments. I try to balance serious posts with funny ones to get my point across. Admittedly I don’t always get it right which is why your feedback is important to me.
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I would like to read more of your posts.
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You want to experience a bad odour…?
Visit my sons bedroom….
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It can’t be worse than that mosque? Surely?? 😦
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Thank you for your comment. The stench was not one that could be cleaned in the few minutes before prayer. It is the whole carpet that needs to be replaced.
I felt the need to write a blog post about it because many (but not all) mosques in Britain that I have been to have a problem with smell in the shoe area. Our houses do not smell like that so our mosques should not smell like that either. And yes, I have volunteered as a cleaner in mosques many times and I would encourage others to do so too. I agree with you in that the first step in solving a problem is to first acknowledge that the problem exists.
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Enjoyable read! Had me smiling throughout. I remember I once went to a similar mosque where an enthusiastic 20something spent an entire raka’ah of tarawih trying to coerce me into doing the “salafi horse stance”. I later heard 2 of her friends laughing and discussing how they’d pulled a poor elderly Pakistani lady near us so many times that they accidentally pulled her scarf open… 😐
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That was the original name for the article but I changed it. Refresh your browser and it should have gone by now.
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I think if you read the original blog post carefully you will see that I make it absolutely clear that the horse stance has no basis in Islam and was not practised by the Prophet (ss) or his Companions.
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I have been the victim, many times, of people not standing with feet so wide apart, but sitting with knees far apart and their thighs really pressing against me. To the extent that I have to squeeze up while sitting. Annoying.
And it’s so true that it can distract from prayers. I’m sitting, trying to pray, and instead fighting to keep myself comfortable from being squashed.
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Well perhaps now you have the ammunition to politely tell them how you feel and they might stop.
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As salam alaykum
Very funny. Thank you for making me laugh.
jazak’Allah khaire
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Assalamualaykum brother Babar. Jazakallahu khair for this great reminder which really made me laugh but raised some important points too.
Looking forward to more posts
P.s was great finally seeing you in person the other day in Birmingham ❤️
May Allah protect and preserve you and continue using you for his Deen Ameen 😊
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Wa alaikum salam Majid and a pleasure to meet you too. I am trying to get my point across in a different way, it doesn’t always work but it usually does. 🙂
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Mr Ahmad, I don’t know a lot about Islam (I’ve largely had to do my own research, and learn what is or isn’t a credible source!) or about you, beyond what I’ve heard in the news, but I really enjoy your writing. Never mind what the Home Office calls a citizenship test – if you can write witty, self-deprecating, sarcastic, ironic humour with correct punctuation, grammar and spelling, you’re British in my book. A subconscious cultural instinct can sometimes be so much more informative than any rigid criteria in gaining an impression of a person’s character.
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Thank you Richard for your comment and for reading my blog. I agree that sometimes we need to hear people out before we judge them, we are all guilty of that sometimes. Regarding the citizenship test, I tried a practice version in prison and just about passed. But many white English prison officers around me did not know the answers to most of the questions. 🙂 Anyway, can I use you as a reference if ever the Home Office decides to kick me out with the Brexit bathwater? 🙂
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Very tongue in cheek. Loved it. Amd glad you changed the word ‘salafi’ to ‘musalli’ as I know how that can cause offence in some circles.
BaarakAllahu feek
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LOL!!! Thanks…great article with honest observations! I’ve witnessed too much aggression in salah on the ladies side too; not moving from the place their feet are cemented to, to make space for someone else;elbowing into a chink where there’s no space to stand; pulling someone out of a row, pushing someone else into a row. If only people knew that gentleness beautifies everything – and cleanliness 🙂
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Gentleness beautifies everything. Well said, thank you.
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Nice
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السلام عليكم
I really do love all your blog posts but this has to be one of my favourites الحمد لله… It was such a hilarious read… So جزاك الله خير for the laugh…
It’s sad that we as Muslims feel the need to declare our opposition towards terrorism and apologise to the world for the attacks taking place just because a handful of people decide to misinterpret the Qur’aan and Hadeeth…
Unfortunately many of us Muslims lack Adab and if only we knew the importance the Deen puts on such a thing. The scholars would study Adab for years before they even studied the Deen itself… This religion is beautiful and there is so much dawah that can be given to others just through our actions الحمد لله…
Sometimes it can be difficult to concentrate in your salaah due to difficult personalities around you but I think one of the things that really gets me is when I go into sujood before the person ahead of me and then they sit on my head as they go into sujood lol
Look forward to more posts like this.. It really is great to get an insight into your humour الحمد لله
و عليكم السلام
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Thank you for your feedback, most of the feedback I received to this post has been overwhelmingly positive. I am trying to get my point across in a different way.
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Ma Sha Allah! Well said, about the odour, same for the musallees too. Who smoke and come with bad breath and others with BO!
Abu Huraira reported:
The Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) said: He who eats of this plant (garlic) should not approach our mosque and should not harm us with the odour of garlic. (Saheeh Muslim)
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