“You’re a bad boy!”
“You’re a naughty girl!”
“You’re lazy!”
“You’re greedy!”
The above are just some of the common phrases that frustrated, stressed-out parents frequently blurt out to their children.
I hear them in homes, shopping centres and buses all the time.
The parents never mean these words, they just say them to express their anger or annoyance with something that the child has done.
They don’t realise that each of these words is a dagger struck deep into the confidence, self-esteem and self-belief of a child.
The other day I had a very interesting conversation with a Ukrainian woman. In an earlier life she had spent four years working as a house-cleaner in Israel.
I asked her about the personalities and living habits of Israelis. She told me something very interesting.
“They always say to the child, ‘You are good, you are clever, you are beautiful…’ All the time, every single day, all the adults say this to all the children. So the child grows up believing this.”
This is it, I thought to myself.
This is the secret behind why Israel is the most powerful state in the Middle East. Why Israelis succeed in business, technology, defence…
Why Israelis enjoy an influence in the world far beyond their size.
It’s not because of a secret conspiracy.
It is because their children grow up believing that they can do anything.
I learned the same things about Americans after living in US prisons for three years.
For three years I read the daily newspapers (which I would often get two weeks late after the censors had checked they were OK), listened to daily radio shows and conversed with Americans, both prison officers and prisoners.
I would read every bit of every page of the newspaper, both the “liberal” New York Times and the right-wing Wall Street Journal.
Reading a newspaper in solitary confinement is different to reading it on the bus or train.
I would read every single section: news, arts, interior designing, business, relationships, technology…
The Americans are the most powerful nation in the world because they believe it.
From a struggling single mother on welfare to the CEO of a multibillion corporation, they believe they can do everything.
This inner belief, this high self-esteem, self-respect and self-belief is what motivates that same struggling single mother to not only survive, but to thrive as well.
Instead of sitting down feeling sorry for herself, that same single mother makes cookies in her kitchen then sells them to her neighbours to make her life better.
She does not blame others for her predicament. If her situation was the fault of others, then why are there so many other single American mothers who are also successful in life, she asks herself.
“We Americans are the smartest people in the world… the most creative… the most…” Fill the gap. They actually believe it.
I heard several speeches and statements of President Obama. In every single speech he praised the American people.
In fact I have never heard any American president ever criticise the American people. Ever.
What type of leader attacks and criticises his own people?
Sadly, there are a few in the Muslim community who criticise their people. In lectures, talks, sermons.
These so-called clerics, imams and “leaders” are responsible for why some Muslims today feel that all their problems are someone else’s fault (Americans, Jews, the “Government”, the police… take your pick.)
“Muslims don’t care about those dying in Syria.” [Actually, we do. Ask the hundreds of doctors, teachers and aid workers who have given up their day jobs to lighten the suffering of Syrian refugees.]
“Muslims don’t care about each other.” [Actually, ask hospital nurses who have to beg the families of Muslim patients to ask their droves of visitors to stop coming.]
“Muslims don’t want to give charity.” [Actually, Muslims are the most charitable people in the entire world.]
Dr. Joseph Goebbels was Adolf Hitler’s chief propagandist. He once famously said,
“If you tell a lie big enough and keep repeating it, people will eventually come to believe it.”
This is how he was able to convince Germans suffering from post-1929 Great Depression economic hardship that Jews were responsible for all of the suffering in the world.
A bit like those politicians and tabloid papers today who blame all the world’s problems on “immigrants” when most of them are “immigrants” themselves.
To say to a child, “You’re bad” is not only a lie. It is a big lie. Because no child is bad. No matter what he or she does. Children behave badly but they are not bad.
“Focus on the action or behaviour, not the personality.” This is what successful parents try to do.
Former cricketer Imran Khan is Pakistan’s most famous politician. According to Wikileaks, Imran Khan is the only Pakistani politician who does not lick the boots of the US Government.
This man was successful in cricket, being the first cricketer to captain Pakistan’s cricket team to win the World Cup in 1992.
He was successful in building Pakistan’s first specialist cancer hospital for the poor, a task many believed was impossible.
And he has been successful as a politician so far (but always fails to win power because he is not corrupt).
His secret?
His mother.
When in prison I read his autobiography, titled “Pakistan: A Personal History” – one of the best autobiographies that I have ever read. Because it is honest. It reveals vulnerabilities and mistakes, as well as successes.
I highly recommend this book (link at end).
When writing about his childhood, Khan wrote that his mother instilled such a high sense of self-esteem, self-belief and self-respect into him that this was the secret behind all of his successes later on in life.
So, whatever you want your children to be. Just keep repeating it to them, day and night.
Eventually they will come to believe you.
And then they will come to believe it themselves.
You can read my story, why I was in prison and why I blog here.
Imran Khan’s autobiography is available on Amazon here.
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Babar Ahmad 
Salam alaykoum very dear Babar
Thanks ever so much for taking the time to put your thoughts and inspirations together for us.
You’re a pleasure to read, especially when we know your background in life and the trials you have been through.
It means a lot to me and to a great deal of people I’m sure.
Though I’ve never met you in person, I hugely respect you and I love you for the sake of God, of Allah.
Please do take care, and I pray the Almighty that our paths may cross soon.
Warmest regards
Yacine Helali
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Thank you Yacine for reading, sharing and commenting on my blog. May He for whose sake you love me, love you too.
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Thank you for sharing your wisdom. I agree it all depends on how our parents raise us and what they cause us to believe about ourselves. However brother, I will not blame our scholars / speakers / imams if Muslims in society are not so confident or successful in their achievements; our preachers are doing their jobs, they are preaching islam and they also have a right to discuss common errors in the muslim communities in general. How else will we better ourselves in the community? What they (most of them) certainly are not doing is attacking a single muslim personally, for that is what can damage a person. Also as you have stated, it is mainly down to parenting how confident our children turn out. Yes other factors do play a part, but I highly doubt that an hours speech from a sincere imam censuring the Muslims for a certain matter whatever that may be, is impacting how successful those Muslims turn out. These speeches are supposed to make us think / ponder about ourselves as Muslims and sometimes I agree; its true we aren’t doing enough.
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Thank you for your comment. My point is criticism is wrong, not correction.
There is too much criticism and too little praise from them, because that is the victimhood mindset of people who have not caught up with the times and are still living under colonial rule even though some of them were born and brought up in Britain.
You can say to a child, “You never tidy your room, you are a messy person.”
Or you can say to a child, “The thing I like about you is that you are a good boy/girl because you always tidy your room.”
Which do you think is most likely to motivate the child to tidy his/her room?
Yes, it’s not fair to lay all the blame at them, but I do feel that scholars/leaders/imams/preachers are responsible because they are supposed to provide guidance to the ummah, not put us down.
When people are already facing external challenges, they need their leaders to support and motivate them, not put them down.
Muslims are fed up of being slammed every single talk, sermon, speech by their so-called “leaders” while other communities are being empowered by their leaders and progressing.
This negative mindset needs to change. There is a way to get people to improve but constantly criticising them and finding faults is not the way of the Prophet (ss).
We have to give people hope and let them know they are not bad.
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Hmm. I’m interested in seeing a few of those lectures you’re referring to which show Muslims are constantly being criticised by their own leaders / imams. But if we are then we must deserve it at some point though I do not see us being criticised daily at all. Anyway I get the point you’re making, however I was trying to make the point that parents have greater influence over children and in the end, how a child turns out, his self esteem levels and outlook on life etc is ultimately down to parenting. Jazakallah khair for the wisdom in your article; though many of us may know it we do not practice it enough.
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Thank you for your comment. I don’t listen to Youtube lectures so I couldn’t point you to any online. I am describing what I have heard for the last 25 years in mosques and talks and events.
I agree with you 100%, parenting was the main point of this article with the leaders and imams a side point.
And you exactly made my other point. When even a child says, “I deserve to be told off because I am a bad child” then you know its parents have failed it.
If we think that we actually deserve to be constantly criticised then that shows a low self-esteem mindset that we need to change.
As an example, read Barack Obama’s farewell speech. Here’s the link, it’s not that long.
http://time.com/4631007/president-obama-farewell-speech-transcript/
May I kindly suggest you read through all of it when you have a spare moment?
And when you read it, bear in mind he is talking to a deeply-divided America that is full of problems.
Look how he reminds Americans of the positives and inspires his people with hope.
How many of our leaders are inspiring our people with a positive, optimistic mindset and message such as this?
The Prophet (ss) was the most optimistic and hope-inspiring person who ever lived. And optimism is most required at times of crisis, not when things are good.
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A good article regarding children but also A lot criticism and generalisation towards ulema. You’re mixing two entirely different topics into one article. The article is about parents and the dynamics of their relationship with their children which is a insightful read but you couldn’t help himself from taking a little pot-shot at ulema.
In my opinion I feel this didnt fit in with the article. You may be right in some aspects about ulema – I believe it’s up for debate but bottom line is he you’re generalisng – painting every one with the same brush, accusing every one of being guilty of the same crime! The west do this already! Fox, BBC, media etc. This ‘Generalising’ got you thrown into Guantanamo in the first place. They swept up all you guys under the general assumption that you’re Muslim, therefore, you must be terrorists. Yet every one who’s been released were never charged including you. Their generalising made you guilty yet you was found innocent. You should know better!
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Thank you for your comment about the article. I feel the similitude between parenting a child and a leader leading his people is most relevant.
Just to be clear, I didn’t take a pot shot at the ulema, I actually intended to take a direct shot at those ulema and leaders and imams who are holding our community back from advancing. Of course not all of them are like that, but we should strive to change those who are like that.
The role of ulema is to preserve the deen and to provide leadership to the ummah. If they do that, we support them. If they are unable to do that, then we should challenge them and not be like those mentioned in the Quran who took their priests and rabbis as lords besides Allah.
I trust you will agree that we should not consider our leaders free from criticism and blindly follow them?
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Great post Babar, I agree theres a lot more I could say on this topic I may write a post about it
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By all means do, I am sure others would benefit from what you have to say.
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Reblogged this on Islam.
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Wow eye opener sign me up
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Big salaam to you my dear brother for long time I didn’t meet you am very glade to write to you today and hope to meet in person in the future insh’ALLAH to let you know who I am my name is Mukhtar from france we used to meet before in london with Issac from france I hope you can remember me insh’ALLAH by the way your blog are interesting mash’ALLAH jazakallahu kheir take good care of you wassalaam
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JazakaAllahu khayr Babar for sharing your thoughts. As a father of 4 children and being involved with teaching and youth development, I found this article very beneficial, relevant and interesting.
I think a healthy dose of praising children is important. There is a famous example of the Inventor Thomas Edison. When Thomas was still young, his mother received a letter from his teacher at school. The message written on the letter was, “Your son is mentally deficient. We cannot let him attend our school anymore. He is expelled.” However, when Thomas’ mother read out the message to her son, she read “Your son is a genius. This school is too small for him and doesn’t have good enough teachers to train him. Please teach him yourself.” Later in life, when Edison discovered the letter from his old school teacher, he became emotional reading it and then wrote in his diary… “Thomas A. Edison was a mentally deficient child whose mother turned him into the genius of the century.” A positive word of encouragement can help change people for the better and motivate people to achieve great things in life!
But it’s also important to give the right kind of praise. Research (https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/the-secret-to-raising-smart-kids1/) shows that an overemphasis on intellect or talent – and the implication that such traits are innate and fixed – can leave people vulnerable to failure, fearful of challenges and unmotivated to learn.
On the other hand, teaching people to have a “growth mind-set,” which encourages a focus on “process” rather than on intelligence or talent, produces high achievers in school and in life. Parents, teachers and youth workers can encourage a growth mind-set in children by:
– praising them for their persistence (rather than for their intelligence),
– by telling success stories that emphasize hard work and love of learning,
– and by teaching them about the brain as a learning machine that can continually grow.
Btw after reading your post some weeks ago, I bought the book you recommended, “Pakistan: A Personal History” by Imran Khan and I’m more than half way through. It’s really gripping, gives a honest insight into life, culture and politics in Pakistan as well Imran Khan’s mind-set, his struggles and how he overcame these. I’m thoroughly enjoying the book at the moment and learning a great deal from it – jazakaAllahu khayr!
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2.5 years later with a bit more knowledge in other areas I would like to make a new/different point. Regarding how Isreali parents praising or overpraising their children has given them such high self-esteem that makes them so successful in life, same with America. The “best nation on earth”, whatever.
I’ve come to make a counterpoint – Isreal and America (or Isreali /American parents) have done nothing *but* raise a nation of Narcissists. All they care about is themselves; All they know is greed, selfishness, individualism.
Muslims! Be careful not to raise narcissists! A healthy level of confidence and self-esteem is important but it’s very easy to step the line. Verily, pride and arrogance lead the road to jahannam. Raise caring, compassionate, dutiful servants of Allah. In this day of individualism, almost every other person you meet is a narcissist. Good to praise, but careful not to make your child arrogant
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Do you actually know any Israeli or American parents or are you just making a general point that all Israelis and Americans are narcissists because of the actions of some of them?
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Brother, we take the Prophet (saw) and the sahabah as our role models, not America and Israel, enemies of the Muslims. As an outsider looking in we already know what their societies look like. It’s not just America or Isreal; the western world as a whole and it’s lifestyle is breeding more and more narcissists – all of this stems from individualism and liberal values, but in other cultures overpraising and never disciplining the children can also have the same effect.
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Yes I know but you didn’t answer my question. The sunnah of the Prophet (as) was to lavish praise on children, that’s why those children grew up to rule the world. It’s south Asian and Arab culture to destroy the self-esteem of children under some false guise of discipline.
Colonialists did it to them and now they do it to their children.
Would you answer my question? How many Israeli and/or American families do you know on a personal basis which led you to the conclusion that all of them are narcissists? 🤔
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To answer your question, I dont know any apart from a few relatives in America. I certainly have no connections in Isreal. When you mention America and Isreal racist bigots come to mind.
The trend that we see across the West is the rising of an increasingly selfish and entitled generation, mostly because of consumerism. In other cultures narcissism is developed by excessive praise and mollycoddling, and when children are not corrected when their behaviour is wrong. I am a mother myself, and I don’t resort to constant rebuking and criticising of my children; I’m totally against the idea. They get loads of praise, but when their behaviour is unacceptable they have to apologise and make it right. I agree 100% about what constant criticism does to a child’s self-esteem. However the point I was making was to be careful not to “spoil” the child with praise to the extent that they come to believe they are always right and never wrong. As one commentor above mentioned, helping the child develop a growth mindset is best as they will always be open to learning and changing to become better.
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